July 6, 2010

Things that irritate me:
– Parents who dress twins in the same outfit. Those are the actions of a psychopath.
– Rudeness and general ignorance (If that last part was capitalised, you’d have known I’d meant the round on QI)
– When people use the word “random” to describe themselves. No! All thoughts are connected! Go die in a hole.
– Christians. Particularly obnoxious and/or preachy ones.
– Would-be philosophers. You’re just a douche.
– People who complain a lot (I’m aware of the intense irony.)
– Speaking of which, Alanis Morissette. Virtually nothing you mentioned in that song was Ironic.
– When people stop walking right in front of you. I usually remedy this by getting close to their ear as I brush past and saying, “What a clever place to stop.” like a total mental.
– When I can feel either another person, or even me, breathing somewhere on myself. Particularly when I’m trying to sleep. Fuck you, breath. I know you’ve vital, but I just got comfortable and you’re making me move.
– Children. Or more precisely, parents who can’t control their children. If your spawn climbs around my shop one more time I’m taking it off you and feeding it to the homeless man that lives in our bins.
– Narrow-minded individuals who only see the internet as a source to be used once in a while for some half-arsed uni essay, or as a way to look at videos of dancing cats strapped into some stilettos and made to parade around the moon looking like Tyra Banks. No. The internet can also be used for taking the piss out of Twilight.
– Twilight.

Things I enjoy:
– Sandwiches.
– Cake.
– Food of most descriptions.
– The fact that the last three texts I received were all from different people called James.
– People called James, apparently.
– Making swift exits from clubs and dashing to the taxi rank when school acquaintances become a little too friendly and they leave for a minute to go to the bathroom.
– Ke$ha. I said it.
– Video games where there is little to no amount of challenge involved whatsoever. This does not extend to hidden object games.
– Reading. A tremendous amount. I tried to count how many books I had once, and stopped after 73. That’s not a good representation, I just tire easily.
– Stand-up comedy. Smart humour in general, really. I have a love/hate relationship with Al Murray. I don’t like his comedy, but I know he’s a very intelligent man that has become locked into some obscure character portrayal so much that people assume it’s what he’s really like. The man can do entire gigs in French, for fuck’s sake! I want him to free himself from the shackles of oppression! Eh, he brought it on himself.
– Birthdays. I haven’t had one in a while, but my next one is in 4 days, so I’ll tell you how it goes.

Despite what you might be thinking, I’m almost always cheery. The exception is when any of these annoyances rear their ugly heads. Then I will simmer silently with rage whilst I shake my proverbial fist at you, and you will suffer not at all.