Hello, citizens of the Internet! How’ve you been? You’re looking well. Is that a new blouse? Have you lost weight?

It’s been a while, as always. The only difference is, this time I actually have a legit reason. So, you know. Cool your horses.

I’ve been wanting to write this blog, explaining my absence, for a while. I haven’t, up until now, simply because I can’t stand the thought of whining like a teenage girl, or appearing to beg for sympathy online. That’s not what this post is about. Instead, it is my short explanation of why I’m not here more, and how I won’t be for a little while.

For the past seven or so months, I have been ill. Nobody can work out what’s wrong with me. I am a medical marvel! No, really, I think it is just my body being an awkward bugger. I’ve lost count of how many doctors I’ve seen, and tests I’ve gone through. Feeling constantly sick for this long has been sort of annoying. And before anyone mentions it, no, I am not pregnant. My ultrasound confirmed it, unless I am having the first invisible baby. Which would actually be pretty sweet. Breastfeeding in public would be difficult to explain though.

My head feels like it’s full of cotton wool. I don’t know, probably. That’s never actually happened to me, although I can say with certainty that the doctors have not done a test for that yet. Maybe that’s what it is. Problem solved! My dizziness is getting worse, and that’s scary. I’m waiting on a letter from the hospital to tell me when I have to go for a brain scan. I hope it’s soon, because constantly worrying about collapsing is sort of harshing my mellow.

So, there you go. My lovely and sombre update on why I’ve not been here. In short: Oh noes! My brain is melting! Maybe.

The real point of this blog post was to leave you with something that happened to me a few weeks ago, which gave me hope for the human race.

One of the tests I’ve had is a gastroscopy, which is where there put a camera down your throat to take a better look at your stomach. You can either be sedated, or fully awake, as I was. They gave me the choice, but I’d rather be in and out of the hospital in ten minutes, rather than wait around for a few hours for the drugs to wear off, and then feel groggy all day. So they gave me a spray which numbed my throat and tongue (weirdest feeling ever), lay me down, and popped a camera, about a finger-width in diameter, down my throat. Now, this was the worst thing I’ve ever done. No question. I’m not trying to gross anybody out, or put anybody off, but for me, it was bad. Call me a pussy all you like. I probably am.

Along with the camera, they blow air down into your stomach to inflate it, so they can get a better look around down there. But, the air is trying to escape, so it goes upwards. The test is only about five minutes long, but it seems like an hour. My eyes were watering, I could feel the camera moving around in my stomach, and I was fighting the urge to hoy everything back up. I’m lying there, crying, making these horrible involuntary noises as the air comes up (not my finest hour) and one of the nurses just came over to me, didn’t say a word, and held my hand. That was the single nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I really needed that.

Plus, I haven’t had to pay for any treatment at all, thankfully. Our health system is awesome. So, that’s it. I’ll check back in when I can, but I don’t much like to blog about anything depressing and this is basically all that’s been on my mind for a while now. I’ll come back to you with better news soon, I promise.

(They also said the inside of my stomach was remarkably smooth. That’s a compliment, right?)